I wish I could teleport
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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