I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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