I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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