You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
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