I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
