then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
