This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
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He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
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You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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