When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
