I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
