paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm eating all of the evidence.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Terrible idea I love it
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
