it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
