I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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