So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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