I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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