There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
