I wish I could punch you in the face.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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