The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
