I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
