i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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