i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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