I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
