Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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