my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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