I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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