i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
