If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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