i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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