the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Randomize
