i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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