I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
