Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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