Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
a search helicopter?!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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