Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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