I am puke
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
