i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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