I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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