This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
