in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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