Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
