my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
do herpes really smell.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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