she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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