His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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