There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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