Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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