Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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