it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
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I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
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