I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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