He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
