i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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