I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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