not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Come share oat with me in your robe
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
how drunk are you?
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