Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
