I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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