I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
