Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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