i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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