I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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