You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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